September 5, 2017

Not All Who Wander are Lost

Not all who wander are lost.

Sometimes, when we are open to it, we receive exactly the message we need. This must happen often, but I think we usually miss it – the Message.

I spend a lot of time thinking. Thinking about what I’m doing, what my goals are and whether I’m doing all I can to advance toward those, how I’m taking appropriate action and so forth. I sometimes worry that I think too much. I try to give myself a break. Tonight, in order to let go of my mental aerobics, I played pickleball. I played horribly, but we did laugh a lot, and I don’t mind being the comic relief. It was a cool, happy release.

Tonight’s teammate was a woman I had played with once before. We had good rapport. When we were at the edge of peeing our pants and the rain was becoming more insistent, we headed for the Ladies’ room.

What is it about the Ladies’ room that engenders good conversation? We talked about hiking and I shared the paperback version of my book- just completed today. It didn’t take more than five minutes for me to leak that I had a son who died. Oh, God. Not again. I immediately began berating myself silently. Why can I not keep my old sad stories to myself?

As I drove away, I started thinking again. Damn- I need to keep the negative stuff silent. People don’t want to know that. My mind wandered on a minor chord…losses. I began to turn it around. Yes, that partner didn’t’ work out…but now I know more clearly what could work. Oh yeah – the other was better but worse in some aspects.

My daughter may someday stop being angry with me.

A feeling came over me. I am happily following my own path, and nobody around me is making it difficult. Wow. I feel a huge, spacious sense of wellbeing. No, I’m not sure of where I’m going but I have an idea that inspires me. Yes, I’ll follow it! Heck Yeah! I’ll do it! There’s nothing holding me back. Nobody to blame if I don’t make it but myself—my intention, clarity, and focus.

I drove through welcome raindrops, musing, feeling a sense of calm contentment (so surprising). Then I came to my stoplight. There was a good amount of traffic piled up. The sky was getting dark and exquisitely rare droplets of rain softly tapped on my windshield, giving the moment an intimate, cozy feel.

I sat for what seemed a very long time – maybe there was an accident up in the intersection – and just gazed at the trailer in front of me. It was just a box trailer, probably hauling equipment of some sort. My wipers were set on “intermittent”.

I must have been internally focused for a while because I was somewhat surprised when I noticed it. It wasn’t big or bold, or fancy. Just some small lettering that reached across a portion of the back door of this trailer ahead of me.

“Not all who wander are lost.”

A quiet smile turned the edges of my lips. No, not all who wander are lost.